Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg